Infatuated w/ J.D. Martinez? Time For Some Tough Talk!


By Ted Gay – @TedG63

Please, come in and sit down. We need to have a conversation about your infatuation with JD Martinez.

Don’t get me wrong.  JD is a good man.  He has strong numbers, he fills a big hole in our family, but frankly, I’m concerned.  You have made him an excellent offer to join us.  A lot of people would be thrilled to receive such a proposal.  But he hasn’t accepted.  You need to ask yourself:  Maybe he just isn’t that into you.

I know how you are.  When someone doesn’t pay you the attention you desire greater treasure is offered to entice him to join us.  Then you end up overpaying.   Eventually, you’re unhappy because you didn’t get what you paid for and he’s unhappy because he was pressured by his family to accept your generous proposition.  He becomes resentful because he never wanted to be here.  The relationship quickly sours.

We have been down this road before with another boy named JD.  Do you recall JD Drew?  You had to have him, so you gave him everything he desired. Remember how that turned out?  Sure, you two had some good times in 2007, but it ended badly.  And then there was that whole weird thing with his brother.   I know, I promised I would never mention the tryst, but it happened.

And how about Carl Crawford?  Everyone told you to stay away from him, but you had to have him.  It took less than a year for you to come crying to me that you hated him.  I am still paying for that one.  And then there is David Price.  I know, things are better between you two but do you really expect that to last?  I hear you on the phone with your friends saying you hope he leaves at the end of the year.  Does that sound like a stable relationship?

We have to think of the future.  We are not like the Yankee family.   We can’t afford any boy we want.  We have a budget.  There are a lot of exciting young men who will be available next year, including Bryce with the Good Hair.  I don’t want you coming to me saying “I want to be with Bryce with the Good Hair,” then I have to say “sorry honey, we spent all our money on JD Martinez,” and you give me that “I hate JD Martinez” face.

I am also concerned about his family.  I have dealt with his father before.  Mr. Boras thinks all his children are so special they deserve the best of everything.  There is no dealing with that man.  Frankly, I think he’s crazy.  And speaking of crazy I heard a rumor that JD doesn’t want to join anyone until mid-June.  My God that is after prom season!  Do you really want to be with someone like that?

I understand that this will be a hard year.  All your friends will have new men and you won’t. The trolls will criticize you for not acquiescing to JD’s demands.  But three years from now when some other family is under the financial burden of a declining JD you will be happy you did not overpay.

Everyone has a year like this.  Yes, I know, your sister Patriot hasn’t, but she’s been with Tom Brady for 17 years, and people are starting to talk.  Do you know what Brady loves about the game?  He keeps getting older, and the receivers stay the same age.

I know you kids make up your own minds about things but please don’t offer him anything else.  If he joins you, we will welcome him into the family, and hopefully, we will all be happy together.  But the more you offer him, the less likely it is the relationship will work.

And I really want to see you and Bryce with the Good Hair together.


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