By Ted Gay – @TedG63
With opening day at Fenway upon us, the only complaint even the most negative Red Sox fan can muster is that they have only won games in a single state since October. There is little I can add to what has already been written about these near perfect Sox. It is time to turn attention to issues circling Red Sox Nation.
Sports Hub host Tony Massarotti’s unbridled glee during those rare moments that Giancarlo Stanton has succeeded this season officially makes him the worst person in Boston. When Stanton homers, Massarotti feeds off his audience suffering like a succubus. If I wanted to listen to someone who takes joy at my every low moment, I would contact my old high school girlfriends (if they existed).
I got an email from the Red Sox allowing me an opportunity, for the low price of $199.00 to buy all the free crap the organization will distribute to the first 10,000 fans who arrive on promotions days. These include a fake Craig Kimbrel beard, an Andrew Benintendi headband, and a Pedro Martinez bobblehead depicting him tied to a pole in the Fenway dugout. Which sort of sounds a treat for fans of both baseball and bondage. Understandably this treasure will not be offered until September 26, because there is nothing more enticing to people with a bondage fetish than anticipation. Act now Red Sox season ticket fans to buy all the junk that someday you will put in a trash bag and throw away when your kid finally moves out.
If you have yet to make your prop bet on who will get the honor of throwing out the first pitch tomorrow here are the latest odds:
Even money: Some members of the Gold Medal winning Olympic women’s hockey team. If it were the men’s team, the choice would be lauded but if it is women team sports radio will be filled with calls about the game being ruined by chicks on the field.
10-1: Aly Raisman: A champion of the “Me Too” movement who has become a symbol for woman’s rights despite being sexually abused as a child by an adult she trusted. Few local athletes have suffered more or reached greater heights than Raisman. But again, the talking heads will complain about her being a chick on the field.
50-1: Malcolm Butler: A champion of the “Not Me” movement who has become a symbol for men who did not play in the Super Bowl. Butler will be allowed on the mound where he will realize that no one has given him a ball. He will stand uncomfortably for several moments, begin to cry, and then wander into the visiting dugout never to be seen again.
100-1: Terry Cushman: Expect a delay in the opening ceremonies as Cushman spends ten minutes in the dugout arguing with Alex Cora about where Mookie Betts should be batting.
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