(Photo Credit:  Dexerto.com)

By Ted Gay – @TedG63

As one of the few David Price supporters left in this ‘burgh, I have tried to imagine what I could say to the troubled southpaw that would finally convince him just to pitch well and be silent.

Maybe we could play Fortnite together.  Our avatars would be pinned down in the same structure.  “David, take out the ones on the right,” I would yell, as a swarm came towards us.

David would drop his gun.  “I can’t see, my allergies are acting up, must be a cat around here,” he’d say.  We’d get torn to pieces.

In Fortnite, unlike baseball, we can reboot.  During our next battle Price would drop his gun and announce he had no feelings in his finger before we would be annihilated again.

Putting the controllers down and talking may be the better course of action.  We would sit in his spacious living room on leather furniture. Astro, his dog, would jump up and lick him on the face as Price told him he was a good boy.

“There’s the thing,” I’d say.  “You said dogs give you allergies, but you own a dog.”

Price’s face would become cross, and he’d push Astro away.  “I don’t know that dog,” he’d say. “Must have wandered in here.”

“David,” I’d say.  “People know you have a dog.  You can’t say you are allergic and it cost you a start.  It’s like carpal tunnel.”

“I never said that!  I couldn’t pitch because I was late for Monday’s game and wasn’t able to prepare for my next start.  The reason I was late is I was caught in the express lane in the Lincoln tunnel with an inflatable doll in the passenger’s seat, and the police kept me an hour for questioning.  They say it happens all the time. They call it carpool tunnel syndrome. People misunderstood because of my accent.”

I would immediately understand the problem.  David Price could not speak for himself.  He had probably already anticipated this. “I have hired people to speak for me,” he’d say.  “Rudy Giuliani and Michael Cohen.”

“No!” I’d yell.  “Anyone but Giuliani and Cohen.  Forget about people talking for you.  Just be open and honest, and you will be fine.”

“This sure is a funny town,” Price would muse.  “On Thursday we had just beaten the Yankees to move into a first place, and the Celtics were playing in the Eastern Conference Finals, but all anyone could talk about on the radio was me playing video games.  It reminded me of when we were in the playoffs when I played for the Rays, and all they talked about on the radio was what time the early bird began at Applebee’s. It’s not like that anymore. Now they talk about what kid of potato they serve at the Sizzler.  Tampa is a very diverse town.”

“I know things were more laid back in Tampa, but you pitched under duress in Toronto.”  He looked at me curiously. “Toronto?” he’d ask. “You talking about North Cleveland?” I would have to tell him I did.

.  Finally, I would tell him to keep the wolves at bay he might have to give up video game.  “I can’t do that,” he would insist, “without me who is going to help; Frogger get across the street?  Who will keep the space invaders from scorching the earth? Most importantly who will save Princess Peach?  Pitching is what I do, but video games are my calling! I shall not abandon my friends and teammates.”

All in all, I think making Price appealing to the average Red Sox fan is going to be difficult.  We might need Giuliani and Cohen. I don’t think they could make it worse.


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