By Ted Gay – @TedG63
Dear Alex: I feel kind of funny writing this. I know we haven’t been together long, and things are going great, honestly, better than I expected, but, I have to tell you, for me, the honeymoon is over.
I know we had our problems on our wedding night, but we were able to put you fumbling Joe Kelly behind us, and for the entire month of April things were great. Everything you said was so smart; you were naturally funny, we saw Tampa in the spring, it was magical.
But lately you do something, and I think ‘how did I end up with someone as stupid as him?” I’m not saying I want to get back together with John, but honestly, Alex, John would not have brought Robby Scott into a close game in the bottom of the eighth on the road.
I know your boss is making it hard on you. You pretty much have to put either JBJ of Swihart in the lineup. But both at the same time? People judge me by whom I’m with baby; I can’t be having that.
Ironically, I think the final straw was Friday night. I know you came back and won the game against high odds, but baby, Swihart hitting ninth and DH’ing? Honey, you might as well let the pitcher hit. That is just damn embarrassing.
And what is up with leaving Steven Wright in the game for so long? Child, you know if a knuckleball ain’t knuckling leaving him out there longer ain’t going to make the ball knuckle magically. Honey, the boys, really saved your ass with that comeback.
Then on Saturday, first thing, you put Tzu-Wei Lin hitting leadoff. Why are you putting a man hitting .188 leadoff? It couldn’t have been no surprise to you fool that he didn’t do nothing. Damn. You are calling yourself a manager?
And why ain’t you playing Mookie? That man stubs his toe, you sit him down and tell him he can’t move for three hours. Meanwhile, you are sending JBJ out there with an ax in his head. Don’t matter, ax in his head or no ax in his head he ain’t hitting the ball. And there’s Mookie just sitting on the bench chilling. Seriously, child, play the man.
Plus my sister down in New York got her new man Aaron, and she’s all like, “Aaron’s the best ever, Aaron’s doing great.” If you had Aaron’s father’s money, you would be wiping your ass with that boy. You see he lost three straight to Tampa? She’s always rubbing your failures in my face but do you think I called her up about him losing? You bet your ass I did. Big man, how many times you beat Tampa and his sorry ass can’t even take one. So done listening about how perfect Aaron is.
So don’t worry sweetie. You’re my man, and I believe in you 100%. But if you don’t get me to at least game 7 of the ALCS my foot will be the last thing you see as I kick your sorry ass at the door.