EXCLUSIVE: HANLEY RAMIREZ’S RESUME POSTED ONLINE

By Ted Gay –  @TedG63

Hanley Ramirez

Home Address:  David Ortiz’s couch Westin Ma

Phone:  Motorola Flip

Contact:  Good on fastballs, trouble with the curve

Objective

Power hitting first baseman needs to get a job by August when Papi’s cousin is coming up, and he needs the couch.

Strengths

Left field power

Proficient in hitting, throwing and unconventional baserunning

Expert in social media.  Experienced in hashtag use and tagging (but not up).

Experience

Boston Red Sox:  Boston Ma 2000-2006

Received extensive training on hitting the ball and running hard.

In 2005 voted most likely to be traded for pitching.

Florida/Miami Marlins:  Miami Fl 2006-2012

Won Rookie of the Year in 2006.

Won a riverboat gambling tournament in 2008.

Became most coveted shortstop in baseball in 2010.

Lost shortstop job and traded in 2012

Los Angeles Dodgers       2012-2014

In 2013, after returning from injury, lead the Dodgers to the postseason and set a Dodger record for batting average during playoffs.

In 2014 got injured, lost home run power, and made an error to cost Clayton Kershaw a perfect game.

Boston Red Sox                2015-2018

Used business skills to somehow talk the Red Sox into giving me an 88 million dollar contract.

Used my learning skills to discover playing left field is hard.

Helped lead the Red Sox to two division championships, one through power hitting, the second by being a warm body.

Fentanyl Distribution Ring 2018

Did not in any way finance and develop a distribution system for large fentanyl ring in Massachusetts.

References

Theo Epstein – Boston Red Sox General Manager 2002-2011

“When we signed and developed Hanley, we discovered he was a poorly motivated player who was uncoachable but his talent was enough to make him seem desirable to a team with poor scouting.  Luckily we found one in the Florida Marlins who traded us Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell for Hanley helping us win a 2007 World Championship.”

Larry Beinfest:  Florida Marlins General Manager

“When we traded for Hanley he was going to be the future of our franchise, which he was, when he was Rookie of the Year, and then he was going to be the face of the franchise which worked for about a year until he lost his job and we shipped him to Los Angeles.”

Ned Colletti:  Los Angeles General Manager

“Hanley’s time with us made the organization recognize the importance of a shortstop who could field. We thought it was going to be hard to unload him but when he said he wanted 88 million dollars I told him good luck finding the fool who would pay that.”

Ben Cherington:  Boston Red Sox General Manager

“Because of Hanley’s influence, I went from being the general manager of one of the best teams in baseball to being an assistant in a town that closes whenever there is a hockey game.  We are living in the time of Trump, and two Latinos are getting paid millions of dollars for doing nothing while I, a white guy, can’t get a job in the United States.”

Friend of Hanley:  Federal Penitentiary

“Look, the FBI guys, they promised me a deal. So, so I made up a lot of stuff about Hanley Ramirez ’cause that’s what they wanted. But it was all lies. Uh, everything. And I kept saying Hanley Ramirez did this and Hanley Ramirez did that. So, I said yeah sure — why not?  Is immunity on the table?”

John Farrell:  Former Manager:  “He was a veteran, and I played the veterans.  He would still be starting if I was there. I am sorry things went wrong #AF.”

ICYMI:  EPISODE 61 OF THE AVIDBOSTON PODCAST!!

SOX WIN SIX IN A ROW!!!

VAZQUEZ TO THE D.L.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH DAVID PRICE?

Also avail on iTunes!!!!

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/firefarrell-podcast/id1273560196?mt=2

 

 

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